if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
