good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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