does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I would fuck him just for his dog
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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