you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I forget how to act sober
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