I can text with my tongue
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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