im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
