I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
