I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
