I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
