Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
