Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
