Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you told grandpa to call you daddy
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
