I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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