Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
