I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
