I'm so fucking centered right now
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize