I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Of course I have a pirate flag
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
