we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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