Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
