I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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