So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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