After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
