You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
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The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
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Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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