I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
