he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
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It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
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I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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