I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
