i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
