I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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