Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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