He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
