Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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