On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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