Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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