went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My life is pants optional.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
