I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
