Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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