Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
