I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
