If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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