Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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