Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
