i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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