hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
