I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
