My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
