I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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