in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
