Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
