oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
