I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.