I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
