There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.