I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest