I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
