How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
