OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
