he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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