Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize