I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
