Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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What a dumb baby whore.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
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There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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