My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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